Download .pdf   Building Sibling Relationships with Creative Play From a series of articles by author and educator Elizabeth Slade It is seven o’clock at the Price-Slade household and all is quiet. This is not because anyone is sleeping. When the door is cracked to one of the upstairs bedrooms the energy of concentration is palpable. In the center of the floor are a few drawers of LEGO bricks surrounded by three wide awake siblings. Isaac, who is ten and a major architect in the making, has a five story building complete with secret passage ways and a drawbridge. Jasper, who is six, is adding wheels to something with wings and steering wheels in both directions, and Bella, who is three, is building a wall with matching color LEGO bricks. Eventually one of them will call out a request, “Have you seen a propeller?” or “Anyone got some lights?.” The other two will look around their area, shake a head no and continue on their own project. On a good day someone might say “Oh, I just saw one!” and rustle through the bin in pursuit. On a bad day a fight breaks out over propellers. The scene itself though is a common one. LEGO is one of those toys that spans a wide variety of developmental stages and allows for positive sibling play. Sibling relationships are our children’s first and most lasting relationships. They are perhaps a training ground for all future relationships where children will learn how to love, and disagree, and go away, and come back again. As parents, we have a large role in shaping that experience, safe-guarding and supporting its healthy growth and development. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their groundbreaking book Siblings Without Rivalry found that at the heart of sibling competition is a primal fear of scarcity. As humans there is a fear that there will not be enough, food, water, love. Our response to our children will either support or alleviate that fear. If we can show each of our children enough love and appreciation they will eventually be reassured that arguing over resources is not a priority. One way to begin that journey is by being generous with our time. This doesn’t mean spending hours and hours every day with our children. It means being fully present with them, doing something together that is developmentally appropriate for everyone, on a regular basis. Building with LEGO is a wonderful activity where the whole family can feel successful. We can start by making time in the weekly schedule to sit down on the floor with our children and a pile of LEGO bricks. Through this play, each child’s unique nature emerges and affords us the opportunity to get to know them better. This is also an opening to model collaboration, risk-taking, making mistakes, and problem solving. Then on those days when we can’t join them, our children will be more accustomed to playing this way together. Another simple approach to warding off sibling rivalry is through appreciation rather than praise. Praise implies that something is good and therefore something else must be not as good. This can spark comparison and competition among siblings. Appreciation implies that something gives you pleasure, and there is room for other things to give you pleasure. “The key word is describe,” say Faber and Mazlish. “Describe what you see. Or describe what you like.” When your children share their LEGO creations with you, try describing them or asking questions. Praise Appreciation “Nice job building that red wall, Bella!” “Look! Bella made a wall using only red pieces.” “Isaac, you are a great inventor.” “How did you think to do that?” “Very good Jasper! What a beautiful plane.” “Jasper, tell me about what kind of vehicle you made.” “Jake is an expert at LEGO.” “Ask Jake if he can help you. He’s had that same problem and solved it.” These examples work towards honoring each child. Nancy Samalin, in her book Loving Each One Best , points out: “Alert parents look for ways to enhance each child’s unique qualities, without resorting to labels.” She follows that with “ . . . a label is limiting while a sensitive observation encourages children to see themselves as capable of making changes and finding solutions.” Playing with LEGO will afford many opportunities for observation and description as our children come to find in themselves, and each other, creative inventors. Through these experiences of building projects together, and sharing them, their sibling bonds will strengthen and develop. As their parents, we can be there to build our children’s successes like a LEGO tower, one positive experience at a time. Resources: Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine, Sibling Without Rivalry . Avon Books, New York: 1987. p.74 Salmalin, Nancy. Loving Each One Best . Bantam Books, New York:1996. p.100 Elizabeth Slade is an author educator who has co-written a workbook "How to Raise a Peaceful Child in a Violent World". In addition she has co-authored a parenting advice column “Ask Bess & Bubby” which appeared in the publication Spirit of Change. Elizabeth is the mother of three young children and works as an educational consultant at various schools in New England. Elizabeth has written two novels and is currently working on a non-fiction parenting book.